How Mom and I shop for Christmas

About a month ago, Mom and I went shoe shopping, and we both fell in love with a pair of rose-colored suede boots. 

We felt a little odd buying them for ourselves so close to Christmas, so each of us bought the other's boots. And we wrapped them up.

And on Christmas morning, we opened them at the same time and exclaimed how much we love them. :)

G'head, set those expectations now

I'm sure she'll grow up to be a perfectly lovely and well-adjusted 16-year-old who won't feel at all entitled to a real Mercedes.

Granted, I'm pretty easily impressed these days

But this short, pot-sized spaghetti at Target is fucking genius.

We're not at liberty to say what the sleeves are...

But we'll tell you what they're not.

How I know I'm ready for a vacation

At Target yesterday, I bought, among other things, six bags of chocolate chips.

The checker looked at the chips, looked at me, and asked "Doing a little baking?"

It took everything I had to smile and say "Yup."

But I was so tempted to say WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DOES SOMEONE DO WITH SIX BAGS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS??

Yup, time for a break.

Couples, take heed

Last night, I met some girlfriends at a little neighborhood steakhouse. It's got great atmosphere. Dark and cozy.

Really cozy for some.

I've never understood couples who insist on sitting on the same side of the booth (when it's just the two of them). Unless you're cutting someone's meat for them or watching a show, it just seems odd. Scratch that. If you're cutting someone's meat for them, that's still odd. I like to look at the people I'm talking to/eating with. But hey, that's just me.

The couple next to my party sat on the same side of the booth, sharing a steak and having a snuggle party.

They hugged throughout the meal. HUGGED.

They were married, though, after awhile, I wondered if they were married to each other. I'm thinking they weren't. 

Folks, this is the only kind of booth that calls for constant public hugging. Otherwise, you're likely creeping out your fellow diners.

Secretly Slimming

All of the jeans/pants I try on are now marketed to me as slimming in some way.

It's a super-fun demographic to be in. I'm sure the next step is a polyester knit with elastic waistband-- once any notion of slimming inspires hysterical laughter. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Today's pants boast the fact that they're SECRETLY SLIMMING, which sent my mind a spinnin'.

• Are there slimming pants out there that make no secret of it (some sort of neon blinking tummy-control panel, maybe)?
• Do I look as big as a house but SECRETLY (soooooo secret that nobody knows) I'm slimming?
• Is it like a skinny mirror? Do I think they look great but SECRETLY, I really don't?

SOMEBODY LET ME IN ON THE SECRET! IT'S KILLING ME!

A glimpse into my paranoid mind

I hope I'm not the only one who feels like this.

But don't you wonder if you're on candid camera sometimes?

The time I feel it most is when I run into a woman I know in passing. I see her maybe once or twice a month, and she wears the most insane getups I've ever seen. (I'm sure they're very fashionable in the Big City, but I'm just a lowly copyeditor, so what do I know of these things?)

But whenever I see her, I get a little smile on my face. And then I immediately wonder if I'm being set up.

Pleasepleaseplease tell me I'm not the only one. 

I feel sooooooooo delicate

When my cat jumps on my lap and kneads my post-Thanksgiving gut like it's pizza dough. 

The stupidest thing that made me (a tiny bit) sad today

On my way in to work, I didn't feel like listening to the news on NPR, so I dialed around. I found Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car".

And, for the first time, maybe in forever, I listened intently to the whole song. (Ok, read the lyrics now and then look for my comments below.)

"Fast Car"

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
Me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
Won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

See my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
His body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
We go cruising, entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way


IT NEVER GOT BETTER FOR HER.

Somehow, I thought she got into the fast car and could pay the bills and it was a happy ending.

But noooooooo!

She ended up with a guy who lives at the bar, just like her dad.

It was a real downer to find that out this morning.

I might just be sensitive to language issues...

But I'm not comforted by the phrase END OF LIFE WARNING on the front of my new smoke alarm. 

My favorite conversation today

My phone rings.

Hello?

Hey! Can you do me a favor? 

Sure, what's up?

You know that discussion we had about how hard it is to write when you're on the medication I'm on? 

Um, no, we never had that conversation. 

We didn't? Oh, well it really is hard. Can you look at something for me if I send it to you? 

Sure.

I love imaginary medication convos.

What not to say to an editor's daughter (or anybody's daughter, really)

One of my dear friends is an editor who has three beautiful, lively children.

At the checkout at Whole Foods, the checker leaned over and asked my friend's young daughter "How are you doing today?"

"I'm good, thank you," she politely replied.

The checker leaned back, raised an eyebrow, and said "You mean you're doing well." And then, THEN he/she (I forget which) turned to my friend and said "Looks like someone needs a grammar lesson."

What. The. Fuck?

Immediately, the checker got an earful regarding the fact that her daughter was absolutely in the right with her answer (g'head, click the link. I'll wait.).

And, honestly, it's not so much that the checker was wrong about the grammar that irritates me. It's the fact that any stranger would be such an asshole on so many levels. To. A. Child.


I know, I know, a number of parents have told me many stories about strangers giving unsolicited parenting advice, but I just can't get over how rude it is.

Ok, vent over. You can go on with your lives.

The most annoying person at Trader Joe's

It's the woman (it's ALWAYS a woman) who parks her cart and herself in front of one of the freezer cases and will. not. move. until she's damn-well good and ready.

She doesn't want you even LOOKING at the food in that case until she's done looking.

Because you MIGHT just see that she's looking at the chocolate mochi and take all of it??? (BTW: Mochi = totally overrated.)

And she takes forever. Every single item must be perused. And the packages that garner more attention... get it.

She won't move the cart, she won't move her ass. It's infuriating.

If you're one of these women, you are the bane of my existence.

Please shop early in the mornings so we can avoid each other entirely.

Dear Captain Obvious

Thank you ever so much for letting me know that the bag of cashews I just bought CONTAINS CASHEW (just south of the ingredients list, which also lists cashews).

Random pieces of info/opinions

• Carmex Everyday Healing Cream is great hand lotion. Not greasy. Absorbs quickly. And it smells like Carmex.
• Take probiotics. They will change your life. 
• If you're going to set up an online dating profile, don't include your pet raccoon in the profile pic. 
• The new podcast Serial is gooooood (especially for fans of This American Life).
• Drinking at least 64 oz. of water a day is really, really good for you.
• Vaseline is the best moisturizer ever. 
• Wear sunscreen. 
• Using the Target Cartwheel app in tandem with the Target Card (provided you pay it off every month) saves big bucks.
• This one is for the fellas. On a first date, don't tell the woman your salary, mention that you're really into traditional gender roles, and then ask her if she's a good cook. That's creepy.
• If your nose is really raw from allergies or a cold, diaper-rash ointment is the best cure. 
• On weeknights, you should pick alcohol or dessert rather than going with both (makes more of a difference than you think). On weekends, do whatever the hell you want. 
• The best way to read before bed is on a tablet that lights up. That way, you can read in the dark and just pass out without having to turn out the light. 
• Egg noodles with peanut sauce and edamame is a delicious meal that takes 10 minutes. 
• Doodling is a really relaxing pastime.
• Cheap nail polish works better than expensive nail polish. 
• Shampoos with sulfates jack up your hair. Avoid them. 
• Low-fat cheese is never, ever worth it.

The kind of thing you hear when you're late to the party.

A few years ago, I was invited to a ladies' weekend. Most of the other women got away from work at noon and arrived a lot earlier than I did.

So, when I got there, they. were. drunk. Really drunk. Which was fine. None of us was going to drive anywhere. And, as long as didn't set out to catch up that night (always, always, always a bad idea), it was all good.

This was the discussion I had with someone who, I'm sure, did not remember any of it.

Her: Omigod, you're an EDITOR???

Me: Yup.

Her: My friend and I are totally working on a book! It's going to be the best book ever! EVER! Do you want to hear the title?

Me: Of course!

Her: Everybody Shits Their Pants! Wanna hear what it's about?

Me: Is it about someone shitting their pants?

Her: YES! Yes it is!! Because our theory is that everybody shits their pants. And if they say they haven't shit their pants as an adult, they're either lying or they're ABOUT to shit their pants! Because everybody shits their pants. So that's the title.

Me: So is it about the fact that people lie about shitting their pants?

Her: No, that's stupid. It's stories we're collecting from friends and strangers about times when they've shit their pants. It's gonna be so good. Do you have a good shityerpants story?

Me: I have so many great ones, I'd have take some time to make a choice. Can I get back to you? 

Her: Of course! Cool. I'll come find you later.

And I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

And I have yet to see the book on Amazon (you can bet your shitty pants I check from time to time). So there's still time to get your shitty stories in there, folks!

I love a good conspiracy theory

But I usually like them because they're fun.

But then I get on Facebook and realize that some people live their lives as conspiracy theorists and it makes me sad and tired.

Here's the one I heard this morning:

• Ebola can be caught through the air, period. 
• The level of denial going on due to the level of confidence people have in their prized media is the scariest thing happening right now. 
• They got you convinced that ISIS can spread and not Ebola. Perfect for them. 
• CDC owns patents on ebola.
• Monsanto and the DOD that are teaming up to provide the cure. 
• We. Are. All. Sheep. 

And then this individual went on to call our president Barack Ebola, so you know it's legit.

Entertaining until you realize some people believe this shit. Then it's downright scary. 
 

Funniest thing I heard over the weekend

Courtesy of my friend Susan:

My acupuncturist told me we shouldn't let the cat sleep with us because cats are from another planet. 

So there's that.

Behold! The birth of a new catchphrase

Today, Mom made the following remark:

"I like those jeans. They don't show any donut roll."

"Any WHAT?" I asked. 

"You know," she replied, gesturing to my midsection. 

"Are you talking about muffintop?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!"

And, sadly, in my case, donut roll pretty much nails it. 

Who eats that many muffins?

I learned today on Facebook

That one of my long-ago exes is in a new relationship.

And because I can't write it there, I have to write it here or I'll simply burst.

Good fuckin' luck to you, honey. You're gonna need it.

:D

Target's in-house dieting plan

Shimmy up to the cheese.

Take a good long look.

Shimmy away from the cheese. 

How does one feed the soul?

According to Panda Express, you feed it with orange chicken with bacon.

Who knew?

Overheard yesterday

Yesterday was the summer company party.

Fun and many drinks were had by all.

In the line for cab rides home, one of my friends heard this exchange between two coworkers.

C1: I'm not looking forward to coming to work with a hangover tomororw. It's been a really long time since I've done that. 

C2: I know what you mean. I haven't come in to work with a hangover since... [thinks]... THIS MORNING!

:)

Today's chuckle

Was getting this message from a friend.

My husband's little joy this morning was finding out that the annoying coworker who emailed in sick yesterday actually emailed in DICK. He's so happy.

Words I can never spell on the first try

• silhouette
• judgement
• knowledge
• triptych
• privilege 
• liqueur  
• Marseilles 
• Versailles 

Popsicle drops all pretense

And calls it like it is.

What's the flavor?

The flavor is RED, my friends. 

The best time to go to the post office

Sunday afternoon. I shit you not. This has changed my life.

On Sunday afternoon, you can still walk in to the little vestibule and use the scales and your credit card to buy stamps and send packages without the angry patrons, long lines, and the interesting smells of the weekday post office.

NO LINES!

NO IDIOTS!

NO STANK!

(And the kiosk in my PO has a touch screen that makes the most satisfying clicking noise I've ever heard. I'm just sayin'.)

Sunday afternoon. Do it.

The terror of early motherhood as demonstrated by two Target items

It's not the fact that it's a rectal thermometer. It's the high speed that worries me. Do you need to get a running start with one of these?

I'm utterly terrified at the prospect of the Swedish Snotsucker. (Look closely. It says SNOTSUCKER on the packaging).

*shudder*

Bucket list

Is it weird that I don't have one?

I have things I'd love to do in my life, but I don't want to make a list of those things.

Who wants the stink of failure at the moment of death if you don't complete the list?

That's a lot of pressure. 

I think finding joy in little everyday things is much more of an accomplishment.

I guess that's my daily to-do bucket list. Find joy in each day.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a bucket list?

Eggs! The perfect food!

Seriously. If this is a possibility (and it is--I found this poultry Petrie dish at Target), why not just spend the SAME MONEY on a dozen eggs and boil them yourself?
Have we gotten THAT lazy? 

Random silliness on my desk

I realize I haven't written much lately. There's just not much happening that I feel like writing about. It's a summer hiatus, I guess.

But I did decide to start sharing photos of random shit on my desk that makes me smile.

Like this three-legged pig from a voo-doo store in New Orleans.

It's for good luck.

I have yet to decide if it works or not.

Maybe it'll give me inspiration to write other things.

Oink.

Want to impress the ladies?

Then maaaaaaybe don't tell a woman, right out of the gate, that your life's biggest passion is giving blood and that you've donated SIX GALLONS.

It's very impressive and life-giving, but it's a weird first impression. 

Am I wrong on this one, ladies?

Or maybe he wants to appeal to Twilight fans. I don't know.

Annnnnnd...

The chevron trend is officially dead. 

My new favorite acronym to use when no logical explanation will do

PAFU

People
Are
Fucked
Up

Covers a lot of ground.

Fun new road-trip game

My friend Alix introduced me to this in Oregon.

Motor homes tend to have fancy names emblazoned above the windshield.

Names like Prowler, Wanderer, Adventurer, etc.

Alix likes to add one funny word before those names: anal.

Which makes everything so much funnier.

Anal Prowler!

Anal Wanderer!

Anal Adventurer!

Or, my personal favorite from the weekend:

ANAL CYCLONE!

No it's not mature.

And, no, I don't care.

What year did they start making Grey Poupon?

WRONG!

1777, bitches!

Dear Fruit Roll-Up folks...

This is embarrassing, but Red/Yellow isn't a flavor.

Then again, I guess we're not really talking about real fruit here either. 

Carry on. 

(PS: How do you "naturally flavor" Red/Yellow?)

Target erotica

Full disclosure, there IS good, well-written erotica out there (Anais Nin, anyone?).

I just don't think you can find it in the book aisle at Target. Though you CAN find erotica with clever alcohol-/sex-themed wordplay.

This one gave me a chuckle:

THE SIZZLING SEQUEL TO WALLBANGER!

Granted, I haven't interviewed for a job in awhile

But I hadn't realized it's become a Hunger Games fight to the death with Deadly consequences. :)

Official Pearl Jam Ten Club

I love Pearl Jam. I have for over 20 years.

So I thought it would be fun to like this group on fb.

Little did I know the sheer entertainment value it would afford.

For example:

She was soooooooo unamused when folks assured her that this was not Eddie, but The Dude (and posted the actual picture this fancy rug is based on). The Vedder Abides. 

And then there's this lost little soul. This post will truly make you "think" and use only your own comb for the rest of your life. It's also a good lesson on how birds work.

More to come!!

This picture is totally out of context, but...

This is just a great visual for how everyone must feel when they talk to Nancy Grace.

Pitiful first-world problem

Taking a reusable Target branded bag into Target and having the cashier ask

"Is this yours or are you buying it today?" 

Every. Time.

Told you it was pitiful.

Today's WTF item

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?

Why has the fashion industry never capitalized on this before?

Every woman feels sexier with her armpits on display.

Ooh la la!

When did the Ken doll start to look like

Justin Timberlake??

And if you were unclear about whether or not Ken and Barbie are Just Friends, check out his pink chandelier in the background. :)

I call bullshit, Netflix

Not on the fact that I like irreverent shows/films with strong female leads, but on the fact that the wealthy, spoiled, Real Housewives are strong women.

Shame on you, Netflix.

I love the last-minute designation

The dollar store bequeaths on these items.

Because a pregnancy test totally IS something you never think to buy when you really need one (and, really, folks. If you're gonna splash out on something, please let it be a pregnancy test--knowing whether or not you're creating the miracle of life is worth more than a buck).

Lotta last-minute oral hygiene here too. 

Says a lot about what Dollar Tree thinks about its customers. 

This is just one reader's opinion

But when you meet someone and find out they're an editor and an avid reader....

One of the first things out of your mouth probably shouldn't be "The last book I read was 50 Shades of Grey."

Or, at the very least, you shouldn't be shocked by the involuntary shudder you see immediately after you say it. :)

Dear Campbell's Soup, think before you type

I occasionally get emails from campbellkitchen.com with recipes (which I rarely make, but whatever).

Today's subject line totally threw me off.

SPICE THINGS UP FOR DAD! 

Ew.

Know what I'm tired of?

Cat-lady jokes.

I have two cats. They're very sweet animals. I feed them and take care of them and love them.

If you have pets, you SHOULD feed, take care of, and love them (otherwise, what's the point? Not many of us require workhorses to plow the fields these days).

Annnnnd... the jokes roll in.

What's interesting is this. I know men who have cats. No jokes.
I know women who are married who have cats. No jokes there either.

And nobody fucks with dog owners. 

So, really, this is a shot at a woman for being single and living alone and having cats.

I have cats. 

I'm also educated.

I'm self-sufficient.

I'm independent.

I'm a homeowner.

I have lots of non-feline interests. 

I'm capable of sustaining relationships.

And I have a strong network of family and friends.

But once you add cats into the mix, it's all a joke.

When you put it all together, it's really just a shitty, misogynist way to take a shot at someone because they aren't living life according to your rules.

There ARE cat ladies (and cat men) out there. You can see them on episodes of Hoarders. And they have a sickness. You shouldn't make fun of them either.

Just my two cents. 

This is what they serve in hell

No alcohol and it still tastes like fucking white zinfandel.

IT'S THE DRINK OF THE DAMNED!!!

SUMMER PROJECT!!

I'm kidding. 

Mostly. 

Let this be the death knell

For the hipster mustache trend.

Once it's at the dollar store, how hip can something be?

This is how

My neighbor's 20-year-old son moves out of the house.

No need to scour the city for boxes; just pick up a bunch of Hefty Bags at the store! :)

TOTAL body workout

I recently bought a piece of exercise equipment (a little stair-stepper) from amazon.com.

So, of course, they think I need a lot MORE exercise equipment now.

This was, by far, the most interesting suggestion.

Notice that this and 6 FULLY ASSEMBLED KEGEL EXERCISE WEIGHTS are frequently bought together. I clicked that link and can't even begin to figure out how they work. And, frankly, being on the page creeped me out a little.

Even funnier, there were some sponsored ads on the page...

For SADDLES!

I think I'll stick with my stair-stepper, amazon. But thanks for your concern about total-body... uh... tightness.

On the subject of shoes...

Here's something else I'll never understand (consider this a companion piece to the sad-ass pink camo shoes from yesterday).

Women who bring their fellas shoe-shopping with them.

These are the most miserable-looking sad sacks you'll ever encounter.

They don't care if you choose the peachy plaid Sperry Top-Siders or the white ones.

They don't care how high the heel is.

I'm pretty sure they don't enjoy holding your purse either.

Who does this???

WHY???

In these...

The only thing you're hiding from is good taste. 

Name the flattest state

Wrong!

It's Florida.

Now name the most mountainous state.

WRONG!

It's West Virginia.

That's all I've got today.

Want to get someone in the mood...

For diabetes?

Fire this baby up!

You know it's a good cupcake

If you wolf it down without taking a picture of it first. (And it was gorgeous. And delicious.)

Also discovered, a new name for fat pants that's much more charming:

COOKIE PANTS!

COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!

This gif is me on any given weekday

As Sting famously sang, that's my soul up there.

Because being a grownup is overrated

I will continue to be amused by things like this.

WHO NAMED THIS PRODUCT??

Justin must be one busy fella. :)

Being your own landlord sucks sometimes

Nine years and three months ago, I put in a water heater with a nine-year warranty.

Two days ago, I was in Sears to buy another one after discovering a huge puddle that covered my kitchen floor and soaked half of my living room carpet (how can they build something to break right on time like that??? Amazing and infuriating).

After waiting 25 minutes for a salesman to free himself up, Rusty approached and asked me how he could help.

My water heater blew today. I need a new one.

Blew up? It didn't blow up. They don't do that. 

Well, no, it didn't blow UP. It blew OUT, I guess. At any rate, my house is flooded, I have no hot water, and I need a new water heater. 

And then he proceeded to sell me a new nine-year water heater (the 12-year won't fit in my closet).

Later on, after a couple of beers, I reflected back on my first few words with Rusty.

If my house blew UP earlier in the day, why would I be so calm about it?

And why would buying a new water heater be my first priority?

Rusty's selling water heaters in a vacuum.

I, on the other hand, am looking forward to taking a hot shower that I didn't have to drive across the neighborhood for.

It's the little things.

You're gettin' weirder, Facebook

Facebook still wants to teach me how to MAKE A MAN LOVE ME.

Or perhaps they think I shouldn't be so picky. Looks like they want me to venture outside my species.

What scares me the most is that 802 people liked this post and 174 shared it.

I fear for the future.

You might think it's funny, but it's snot

We took Mom and Grandma out to lunch on Mother's Day. We went to a chain restaurant. They serve good food and the service was lovely. Other than the fact that it's a chain, there's nothing wrong with the place.

Until... I saw this at the table across the way.

There was a portly gentleman sitting with his uninterested wife. He was (presumably) sitting across from either his mother or his mother-in-law, but I couldn't see her.

This is what I did see.

He had to blow his nose.

He didn't use his napkin.

He didn't get up and go to the Men's room.

He blew his nose on the inside of the hoodie he was wearing and continued his conversation with his family.

Lovely.

There's a right way to wear open-toed shoes

And then there's this.

Hint. When your toes are dragging on the ground in front of your shoes, it might be time to go up a size. 

It's the gray areas

That incite riots at the supermarket.

I have a lot of cacti...

But I'm still trying to figure out how to grow this one.

Another sign of the apocalypse

According to American Apparel, The Disco Pant is back!

Start hoarding canned goods and build a bomb shelter in your backyard. This one's gonna be a doozy.

Also, why isn't the model wearing rollerskates? That look is wrong, wrong, wrong without rollerskates.

The best part of my grocery store visit on Sunday

This pic.

Because I honestly couldn't tell if they thought it was a best or a worst (they talk about outrageous butts and guts below, but I'm still flummoxed).

And it's just a spectacularly funny photo. 

I call this one...

Ants on Crack

Weird new phase in life

I bought a new bathmat. And I love it. A whole bunch. It's blue and fuzzy and looks like a sea anemone made for my feet. And walking on it is the embodiment of happiness for my toes.

Surely this is sign that I've turned a strange corner in life. I'm ok with that.

It's fuzzy and blue and every time I walk in there, I am thrilled anew!

I'm a poet!

I know it!

Big-ass dilemma

Ok, it's not so much a dilemma anymore, because it's over, but I wonder if I should have done something differently.

I was at  the checkout at IKEA about a month ago. (For the uninitiated, once you're at the checkout at IKEA, you've already had to wander both floors of the whole store--they put you on a kind of track.)

At the checkout, I looked at the woman in front of me.

She was wearing tight yoga pants. REALLY tight yoga pants. Even that doesn't explain. The yoga pants were so ill-fitting that the top half of her ass was hanging out of them (no underpants). I'm not exaggerating. HALF of her ass in the wind. And she didn't know. DIDN'T KNOW! (Though how she couldn't notice a breeze back there, I have no idea.)

I thought about stopping her and telling her (though, frankly, I couldn't puzzle out a nice way to say "Excuse me, half of your ass is hanging out of your pants."), but then I thought she's realllllly close to getting to her car. And maybe she could get to her car in blissful ignorance.

If I told her, she'd be stuck with the knowledge that she'd walked over a mile through a store like that.

HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW???

So I stayed silent.

What would you have done?

Also, how could she not know?

I love working in trade

Especially when the trade is that I get an original piece of art for my editing services.

I asked this fella if I got to choose from existing art or if I should give him two words and let him run amok with them.

He told me to give him two words.

So I gave him the best two words ever:

DONUT MONSTER.


I cannot wait for the result!!

When you hit the up button one too many times on the remote

You run into some awesome titles.

GO TEAM!

If you have to tattoo it on your body...

A lot of photo retouching goes on in this office. Sometimes for stupid reasons, sometimes for valid reasons.

This is one of those valid reasons.

There was a shirtless guy in a photo, and they wanted his chest tattoo removed in post production.

The tattoo said Sorry I Was A Prick

You read that right.

Inked right on. Forever. Fair-skinned guy, too. That shit's not fading. Ever.

I've tried to wrap my mind around this but, unless he lost a bet, I can't.

That said, if I was ever in a disrobing situation with Mr. SorryIWasAPrick, I'd be re-robing pretty damned quick after I saw that.

Read your labels, folks! Read your labels.

People still do this

Why the fuck do people still do this?

AGAIN, WTF, Facebook???

From yesterday's MAKE HIM LOVE YOU post to this:

Also, having herpes is like wearing multicolored lipstick? 

WTF, Facebook?

I know I changed my status to single awhile back, but I don't think I'm quite this desperate.